Some days (like today) I like to get down on myself and ask what I am doing with my life. I mean honestly. I am a 25 year old woman in grad school who will most likely be unable to get a job after graduation unless she goes on for a PhD. While the thought of this is enjoyable, I am not quite sure I am ready to put my personal life on hold for another 5-6 years in order to get the education. But the job openings available are only for PhDs or ABDs (All But Dissertation). So what am I going to do with my life? No clue. Should be fun no? I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for the perfect job to come along.
Then there is Derek. I am sure if I was willing to travel outside of the state and start working I could find a job on some level, but I am not willing to do so just to have an adjunct position and still have to work two jobs for the next 5-10 years of my life. Can I just stay in the world of academia? I know the answer is yes but it also comes with a lot of complications. Derek has been pretty forthcoming with his agreement that if a doctoral program is what I want to do, then I should go for it. But six years is a lot of time. And the school I am desperate to attend is in Kansas. So where does that put us in the next six years? Every time I try to bring this up, he says "we will talk about it when we get to that point." I know he is just trying to be supportive but sometimes that makes it worse. I don't want him to give up his life so I can fulfill my dreams. I don't want him to resent me for taking him away from his family (should he choose to come with me). But I know I don't want to be away from him for six years either.
So I am pretty much at the point in my life where I don't know what to do. Which leads to days like today. I had the opportunity to get so much work done and what did I do? I napped for 3 hours. I am so anxious and stressed about the next three months of my life I don't know what to do. Comps are nine weeks from Saturday. I haven't even started studying. I want to pull my hair out already. I want to throw a tantrum. I want to curl in bed and cry. I want someone to tell me it will be okay. I am constantly told "Oh Heather you are stressed now but you work so well under pressure."
I am glad you think so because right now, all I feel like is a wreck.
