“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

I have been debating writing for awhile now. With the end of my first year of my second Master's program coming to a close, I find myself exhausted and unwilling to commit myself to summer projects. The abstract I submitted for a conference in Panama sits on my desktop waiting to become a conference paper. The proposal for my thesis sits in the forefront of my mind as a murky guilty conscience of my lack of commitment to my degree. The thought of taking the GRE in the fall has me terrified. Applying for PhD programs across the country--daunting. The more I think about a PhD, the less appealing it sounds. Am I cut out for another six to eight years of school? Am I prepared to move across the country multiple times in my life for academia? What if I start the program and quit because it is too overwhelming? 

As I sit and contemplate these questions, I find the part of me that loves learning trying to break through the crowd of doubt and fear. I know that if I do not at least try, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I did not apply for a Master's degree right after my bachelor's and I found myself regretting not going straight on, but also finding the break necessary to understand the importance of my degree. I have decided that no matter what, I will be applying for my PhD in both Theatre History and Latin American Literature. If a program is not for me, or if I am unsure of my ability to devote myself completely to the program, I will defer for a year in order to make sure I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared for the next phase of my life. At least, that was my decision five weeks ago. 

In the last five weeks, I have seen pain, betrayal, and grief at levels I cannot even begin to comprehend. In these situations, I watch people I care about break down. I see them expose their vulnerability. I watch them weep, cry out, and reach to those they love. I have also seen love, growth, and strength. I see these people continue to teach and lead those around them. Lives coincide and life itself is meant to be unpredictable. It is in its unpredictability that we learn. 

But what does this have to do with school? I constantly prepare myself and my life. I find it hard to live in the moment and plan ahead. These last five weeks have shown me how living in the moment teaches me what I have been trying to plan all my life. When placed in situations that take me out of control, I am there for those who need me without allowing my own mind to get in my way. It is chaotic. It is peaceful. It is life. 

The first part of this post shows you, my reader, the struggle I have when I focus into the future without living in the moment. My goal this year it to do just that--live in the moment. Think about the future, but do not overthink it. Take things one step at a time. Breathe. Hope. Pray. Love. Live. 

I'll let the details figure themselves out. 

Master of the World/ Two Women

Background
Today in Theatre History I guest taught a class where we discussed Alfonsina Storni's Master of the World, its relationship to Naturalism, and the feminist theories located within. One of my classmates posted a video on Facebook to continue the conversation and whoa, has the conversation started.

I am not one to shy away from feminist issues, but I find that when it comes to my personal body, I am not as adept to discuss my position. So I went to the closest female I knew to talk it through. My roommate and I just spent the last half hour criticizing the term sexy and what it means for us as women. For the purposes of this post, I am interpreting the term "criticism" through Adorno as the location where the mind tears at its bonds. Both our reactions to the word "sexy" were vastly different.

Sexy
For my roommate, it does not matter what a person is calling her because that is their perspective of who she is. If a person chooses to call her "sexy," then that is their own decision and she is not going to change her clothing choices or beliefs. She refuses to assign value to their point of view. When I think back to the discussion in class today, I am reminded of the character Margaret. There is a moment in the play where she is talking to the male character Claudio who asks her why she does not merely create a new world. She replies: "Why? It's alright as it is." She [both Margaret and my roommate] recognize that the world is as it is and there does not necessarily need to be a second world. My roommate embodies this by refusing to conform or usurp that position; she subtracts herself from the situation. This theory* continues into all aspects of her life because of where she comes from and her refusal to conform to her previously engrained familial and societal perspectives.

The term "sexy" has been used to define me in purely physical terms. By telling me that I am "sexy," you take my identity as a human being (and subject) and deflate me to the level of object. My roommate argues that this feeling stems from a need to be liked. While I agree to an extent, I also feel that it is imperative that I be considered at the same level as everyone else. I recognize my theory can be refuted by discussing my background: I grew up in a fairly conservative home where my sister and I were constantly told to cover up and not draw attention to our breasts and behinds. I went through a phase where I decided I no longer cared what others thought, but the older I get, the more I feel that theory is slightly naïve. While I have no control of how others choose to perceive me, I do have control over how I allow them to perceive me. That may not necessarily mean I choose to dress in a way that is not provocative (though this term could be deconstructed another time), but that I do not want to allow the term "sexy" to sit there and be considered an acceptable way to address me.

Intellectual Objectification
After we talked through the term "sexy," my roommate and I started discussing other ways in which we may or may not feel objectified. While my roommate maintains the view that it does not matter what others say, I equated the term "sexy" and physical description with the comments I receive about my educational/ academic pursuits. My family jokes about the fact that I am in the process of receiving my second Master's degree. Comments such as "how long are you going to be in school again," "why are you doing a PhD program," and "you're just a perpetual student" are meant to be good-natured, but they devalue the work and passion I have for learning. By doing so, they reinforce a form of intellectual objectification that is just as difficult for me to discuss.

Conclusion
Unfortunately, this is not a conversation I am prepared to answer with absolute certainty. My inability to stand fast to a theory may weaken my argument, but I ascertain that it only goes to show how theories are complex and abstract in their existence and it is by applying and criticizing those theories that we grow and learn. As new information presents itself, I observe, define, deconstruct, and criticize what it means and where I align myself.

Thoughts? Email me at hmcarnahan@gmail.com or facebook message me.


*Theory here indicates not merely an application of belief, but the active practice of it. Since I am still learning how to understand, the term theory applies to the constant reflection of the practice of the application of belief. I think that makes sense. (Think bell hooks or Matthew Goulish: we have to learn how to see).

Fodder for the Mind?

This semester has been a whirlwind of emotional, physical, and mental strain. Over the summer I decided that it would be completely feasible to take 5 classes while preparing for my comprehensive exams. Two weeks ago I was approached about filling in for a class and teaching for the rest of the semester. While I am thrilled to have the opportunity to teach, I find myself questioning how much more I can handle before I crack under the pressure. All I can think about is first making it to November 10th (the day after my comprehensive exams) and then to Christmas break where I will have the opportunity to relax before starting my spring semester.

Next semester I will be keeping it "light" by focusing on 4 classes, teaching, and preparing for the GRE. I would like to be able to take the exam by April in order to retake it if necessary before applying to PhD programs. I guess right now I am at the point of being so focused on what classes I am taking that instead of enjoying the small amount of down time I have, I choose to shut down. It is getting to the point where my work is starting to become affected. I turned in an assignment late for the first time in quite a long time and felt ashamed that I had not taken the opportunity to work more on it when I had time.

While I have endured crushing feelings of inadequacy this semester, I am pleased to see how much I have learned in such a short period of time. I have a fantastic support system both on and off campus. When I freak out over possible PhD applications, I have people who pull me out of my spiral of despair. Every grade I lament (pretty much anything but an A) is a learning opportunity.

This year is about transition and progress. While I feel like I struggle more than anyone, I also feel encouraged to continue working hard and chart my progress in my classes. I am my own worst critic; I am discouraged if my grades do not reflect my work or if I feel I cannot contribute to classroom conversation. Grad school is hard. Grad school is meant to wear me down. But grad school also exists to tear me down in order to build me up stronger. And I have to remember that.

I have spent the last eight years working in a field where I have known how to study; the content leapt from the page and into my head and I knew, I knew what I was working on and towards. I was passionate about what I was learning, and later, what I was teaching. This semester has taught me that passion is not enough; I have to work hard in order to make my dreams and passions become feasible goals in order to achieve and exceed expectations for what I want my life to be.

My roommate asked me tonight, "Is this going to be an emo post about this semester?" She has seen my struggles, helped me through my breakdowns, and plied me with comfort food in order for me to not completely lose my mind. I can understand why she might be concerned with this being an "emo" post. And when I started this, it might have appeared that way, but I do not feel that way now. At this moment, I am tired and stressed, but hopeful in what I have yet to learn.

A couple of weeks ago I was reminded of a devotion I heard over the summer in which the pastor discussed Ephesians 2:10: For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. It is my job to commit to the process, not the results. I am still just a work in progress.

Birthday Blues

It is the time of year when everyone expects you to be excited. Why, you ask? Because it is your birthday. And you are awesome. So you should celebrate your awesomeness. Most people get excited to spend time with friends and family to enjoy another rotation around the sun that you managed to survive. You birthday is about you. Or is it? The older I get, the more I think that the only reason we celebrate birthdays is so that others can celebrate it. I mean, honestly. Maybe I am becoming cynical, but I have found that when I tell others what I really want to do on my birthday, most cannot believe it and attempt to force down some semblance of a celebration so that they don't feel bad that they didn't celebrate your birthday.

I guess these musings are coming about because in about 15 minutes I will be officially another year older. When everyone asked me what I wanted to do, I told them. Then they proceeded to tell me everything I SHOULD do because it is my birthday. Only one person has taken the time after asking the question to say "cool, that's what we will do." Thus my theory is flawed and overgeneralized. It is okay though; blogs tend to be the one place you can write one-sided accounts and people will take them for fact instead of looking into the flawed data.

Leaving the rabbit trail I went down momentarily, I just want to say that I am as much to blame as the next person. I am such a people pleaser that I will do things I would rather not do than tell people no and hurt their feelings. It is one of my bigger flaws. Hopefully one day I will be able to overcome it, but for now, I will quietly enjoy the celebration of one more revolution around the sun.

Happy birthday Heather Marie.

Faults

I find that lately I have taken opportunities to point out the faults of others without taking time to pay attention to how my own faults are conveyed to others. I am a woman of many faults. One that has recently come to my attention is my inability to hold a conversation without changing the subject. It has become more and more frustrating to deal with because it hurts people I consider myself close to. I hate that something that I should be aware of and be able to change creates a feeling of inadequacy in others when it is my own inadequacy that is the root of the problem. I have been trying much harder lately to make sure I don't do this, but even today it happened twice. I hate that I hurt others with my perceived disinterest in what they have to say. I really need to and have been praying on this in order to fix it and allow myself to be a part of the conversation without feeling the need to change topics.

I don't know if any of that made sense to you all, but oh well.

Long Days and Longer Nights

As the title suggests, we are getting closer to the show and therefore have to withstand longer hours to be ready in time for the show. Things seem to be finally coming together, however, we continue to have hiccups just about every time things seem to be going properly. At the moment we have an hour delay until we can get some equipment working again. It appears as this week will be a very long one with regards to work hours.

On the plus side, I did manage to get a couple of hours off work yesterday and spent it at String Lake with Clint and Rachel where I got some phenomenal photos. I also had the opportunity to bake some more in order to cut my stress levels at the end of the day.

The water was crystal clear...

...and ICE COLD!

The Grand Teton

I find that lately my temper is short and I tire quickly. I am trying to keep up my energy and drink lots of water, but I think that there is a mutual dread of the show starting and ending. I don't want the show to end because I have met so many wonderful people who I will probably not see again unless the show runs again next year. I am dreading the opening as I don't feel as prepared as I would like to be. 

Does it make sense that sometimes I wish I weren't competent in what I do? Sometimes I would like to be able to just sit and let some things slide. I am just not programmed that way. 

I feel detached-- similar to how I felt my first week here. I wish it would change but at the same time maybe it will help me learn to separate myself from the others in order to smooth the transition between my work here and starting school again. 

I didn't really mean for this post to be such a downer, but I guess it just reiterates the emotions that have existed over the last few days. 

Until next time... 

Wyoming Part 2

Hello all! I know you have been waiting on bated breath to hear what has been going on in my life. I have been very busy working with South Pass preparing to get this show off the ground. I work on average 10 hour days then spend time winding down by either cooking or watching a movie. My friend Clint (who's crab puff awesomeness made a guest appearance in my previous post) and I have managed to perfect a banana bread recipe, which will be shared at a later date. Chances are it will be made more this summer and maybe I will manage to capture a photo before everyone eats it all.

I have been working closely with Bonnie (our stage manager) and Earl (our director). They are super awesome and wonderful people. Early this month I noticed a couple of discrepencies in the work by way of the reactions of the characters and asked Earl if he would mind me researching it a bit to make sure everything was correct. He let me go research and was very impressed with what I could provide. Now any time he is looking for accuracy in the time period he goes to me for research. He has mentioned multiple times that he thinks I have a career in dramaturgy. I will admit that while this appeared daunting at first, I am warming up more and more to the idea of putting my focus there during my studies with my second master's degree. I knew I enjoyed social and historical context, but I never really realized the importance of those studies when looking at theatre programs. I have decided to take some classes that emphasize dramaturgic elements for the first semester to see if it is something I know for sure I want to work on for the rest of my life. I know my biggest encouragement was hearing from the director that he knew people who would be looking for a dramaturg in the future and would be willing to refer me (after I have my degree of course).

I am really excited to be working with such a talented group of people! I have had the pleasure of reading new books and learning new skills that will help me in my growth as a person and in the workforce. I am already not looking forward to the end run of the show when I will have to say goodbye to all of these awesome people.

Here are some pictures that I promised to share with you all:

The Elk antler arch (One of four in the square)

My view from the church (don't mind the dumpster)

Nate excited to go into town. 

Clint taking a break

Rodeo night!

Almost a selfie. 

Author Mike Evans treated us to lunch! 

Me and dad outside of the restaurant 

I could seriously get used to the view around here...