“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

I have been debating writing for awhile now. With the end of my first year of my second Master's program coming to a close, I find myself exhausted and unwilling to commit myself to summer projects. The abstract I submitted for a conference in Panama sits on my desktop waiting to become a conference paper. The proposal for my thesis sits in the forefront of my mind as a murky guilty conscience of my lack of commitment to my degree. The thought of taking the GRE in the fall has me terrified. Applying for PhD programs across the country--daunting. The more I think about a PhD, the less appealing it sounds. Am I cut out for another six to eight years of school? Am I prepared to move across the country multiple times in my life for academia? What if I start the program and quit because it is too overwhelming? 

As I sit and contemplate these questions, I find the part of me that loves learning trying to break through the crowd of doubt and fear. I know that if I do not at least try, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I did not apply for a Master's degree right after my bachelor's and I found myself regretting not going straight on, but also finding the break necessary to understand the importance of my degree. I have decided that no matter what, I will be applying for my PhD in both Theatre History and Latin American Literature. If a program is not for me, or if I am unsure of my ability to devote myself completely to the program, I will defer for a year in order to make sure I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared for the next phase of my life. At least, that was my decision five weeks ago. 

In the last five weeks, I have seen pain, betrayal, and grief at levels I cannot even begin to comprehend. In these situations, I watch people I care about break down. I see them expose their vulnerability. I watch them weep, cry out, and reach to those they love. I have also seen love, growth, and strength. I see these people continue to teach and lead those around them. Lives coincide and life itself is meant to be unpredictable. It is in its unpredictability that we learn. 

But what does this have to do with school? I constantly prepare myself and my life. I find it hard to live in the moment and plan ahead. These last five weeks have shown me how living in the moment teaches me what I have been trying to plan all my life. When placed in situations that take me out of control, I am there for those who need me without allowing my own mind to get in my way. It is chaotic. It is peaceful. It is life. 

The first part of this post shows you, my reader, the struggle I have when I focus into the future without living in the moment. My goal this year it to do just that--live in the moment. Think about the future, but do not overthink it. Take things one step at a time. Breathe. Hope. Pray. Love. Live. 

I'll let the details figure themselves out.