“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

I have been debating writing for awhile now. With the end of my first year of my second Master's program coming to a close, I find myself exhausted and unwilling to commit myself to summer projects. The abstract I submitted for a conference in Panama sits on my desktop waiting to become a conference paper. The proposal for my thesis sits in the forefront of my mind as a murky guilty conscience of my lack of commitment to my degree. The thought of taking the GRE in the fall has me terrified. Applying for PhD programs across the country--daunting. The more I think about a PhD, the less appealing it sounds. Am I cut out for another six to eight years of school? Am I prepared to move across the country multiple times in my life for academia? What if I start the program and quit because it is too overwhelming? 

As I sit and contemplate these questions, I find the part of me that loves learning trying to break through the crowd of doubt and fear. I know that if I do not at least try, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I did not apply for a Master's degree right after my bachelor's and I found myself regretting not going straight on, but also finding the break necessary to understand the importance of my degree. I have decided that no matter what, I will be applying for my PhD in both Theatre History and Latin American Literature. If a program is not for me, or if I am unsure of my ability to devote myself completely to the program, I will defer for a year in order to make sure I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared for the next phase of my life. At least, that was my decision five weeks ago. 

In the last five weeks, I have seen pain, betrayal, and grief at levels I cannot even begin to comprehend. In these situations, I watch people I care about break down. I see them expose their vulnerability. I watch them weep, cry out, and reach to those they love. I have also seen love, growth, and strength. I see these people continue to teach and lead those around them. Lives coincide and life itself is meant to be unpredictable. It is in its unpredictability that we learn. 

But what does this have to do with school? I constantly prepare myself and my life. I find it hard to live in the moment and plan ahead. These last five weeks have shown me how living in the moment teaches me what I have been trying to plan all my life. When placed in situations that take me out of control, I am there for those who need me without allowing my own mind to get in my way. It is chaotic. It is peaceful. It is life. 

The first part of this post shows you, my reader, the struggle I have when I focus into the future without living in the moment. My goal this year it to do just that--live in the moment. Think about the future, but do not overthink it. Take things one step at a time. Breathe. Hope. Pray. Love. Live. 

I'll let the details figure themselves out. 

Master of the World/ Two Women

Background
Today in Theatre History I guest taught a class where we discussed Alfonsina Storni's Master of the World, its relationship to Naturalism, and the feminist theories located within. One of my classmates posted a video on Facebook to continue the conversation and whoa, has the conversation started.

I am not one to shy away from feminist issues, but I find that when it comes to my personal body, I am not as adept to discuss my position. So I went to the closest female I knew to talk it through. My roommate and I just spent the last half hour criticizing the term sexy and what it means for us as women. For the purposes of this post, I am interpreting the term "criticism" through Adorno as the location where the mind tears at its bonds. Both our reactions to the word "sexy" were vastly different.

Sexy
For my roommate, it does not matter what a person is calling her because that is their perspective of who she is. If a person chooses to call her "sexy," then that is their own decision and she is not going to change her clothing choices or beliefs. She refuses to assign value to their point of view. When I think back to the discussion in class today, I am reminded of the character Margaret. There is a moment in the play where she is talking to the male character Claudio who asks her why she does not merely create a new world. She replies: "Why? It's alright as it is." She [both Margaret and my roommate] recognize that the world is as it is and there does not necessarily need to be a second world. My roommate embodies this by refusing to conform or usurp that position; she subtracts herself from the situation. This theory* continues into all aspects of her life because of where she comes from and her refusal to conform to her previously engrained familial and societal perspectives.

The term "sexy" has been used to define me in purely physical terms. By telling me that I am "sexy," you take my identity as a human being (and subject) and deflate me to the level of object. My roommate argues that this feeling stems from a need to be liked. While I agree to an extent, I also feel that it is imperative that I be considered at the same level as everyone else. I recognize my theory can be refuted by discussing my background: I grew up in a fairly conservative home where my sister and I were constantly told to cover up and not draw attention to our breasts and behinds. I went through a phase where I decided I no longer cared what others thought, but the older I get, the more I feel that theory is slightly naïve. While I have no control of how others choose to perceive me, I do have control over how I allow them to perceive me. That may not necessarily mean I choose to dress in a way that is not provocative (though this term could be deconstructed another time), but that I do not want to allow the term "sexy" to sit there and be considered an acceptable way to address me.

Intellectual Objectification
After we talked through the term "sexy," my roommate and I started discussing other ways in which we may or may not feel objectified. While my roommate maintains the view that it does not matter what others say, I equated the term "sexy" and physical description with the comments I receive about my educational/ academic pursuits. My family jokes about the fact that I am in the process of receiving my second Master's degree. Comments such as "how long are you going to be in school again," "why are you doing a PhD program," and "you're just a perpetual student" are meant to be good-natured, but they devalue the work and passion I have for learning. By doing so, they reinforce a form of intellectual objectification that is just as difficult for me to discuss.

Conclusion
Unfortunately, this is not a conversation I am prepared to answer with absolute certainty. My inability to stand fast to a theory may weaken my argument, but I ascertain that it only goes to show how theories are complex and abstract in their existence and it is by applying and criticizing those theories that we grow and learn. As new information presents itself, I observe, define, deconstruct, and criticize what it means and where I align myself.

Thoughts? Email me at hmcarnahan@gmail.com or facebook message me.


*Theory here indicates not merely an application of belief, but the active practice of it. Since I am still learning how to understand, the term theory applies to the constant reflection of the practice of the application of belief. I think that makes sense. (Think bell hooks or Matthew Goulish: we have to learn how to see).