This semester has been a whirlwind of emotional, physical, and mental strain. Over the summer I decided that it would be completely feasible to take 5 classes while preparing for my comprehensive exams. Two weeks ago I was approached about filling in for a class and teaching for the rest of the semester. While I am thrilled to have the opportunity to teach, I find myself questioning how much more I can handle before I crack under the pressure. All I can think about is first making it to November 10th (the day after my comprehensive exams) and then to Christmas break where I will have the opportunity to relax before starting my spring semester.
Next semester I will be keeping it "light" by focusing on 4 classes, teaching, and preparing for the GRE. I would like to be able to take the exam by April in order to retake it if necessary before applying to PhD programs. I guess right now I am at the point of being so focused on what classes I am taking that instead of enjoying the small amount of down time I have, I choose to shut down. It is getting to the point where my work is starting to become affected. I turned in an assignment late for the first time in quite a long time and felt ashamed that I had not taken the opportunity to work more on it when I had time.
While I have endured crushing feelings of inadequacy this semester, I am pleased to see how much I have learned in such a short period of time. I have a fantastic support system both on and off campus. When I freak out over possible PhD applications, I have people who pull me out of my spiral of despair. Every grade I lament (pretty much anything but an A) is a learning opportunity.
This year is about transition and progress. While I feel like I struggle more than anyone, I also feel encouraged to continue working hard and chart my progress in my classes. I am my own worst critic; I am discouraged if my grades do not reflect my work or if I feel I cannot contribute to classroom conversation. Grad school is hard. Grad school is meant to wear me down. But grad school also exists to tear me down in order to build me up stronger. And I have to remember that.
I have spent the last eight years working in a field where I have known how to study; the content leapt from the page and into my head and I knew, I knew what I was working on and towards. I was passionate about what I was learning, and later, what I was teaching. This semester has taught me that passion is not enough; I have to work hard in order to make my dreams and passions become feasible goals in order to achieve and exceed expectations for what I want my life to be.
My roommate asked me tonight, "Is this going to be an emo post about this semester?" She has seen my struggles, helped me through my breakdowns, and plied me with comfort food in order for me to not completely lose my mind. I can understand why she might be concerned with this being an "emo" post. And when I started this, it might have appeared that way, but I do not feel that way now. At this moment, I am tired and stressed, but hopeful in what I have yet to learn.
A couple of weeks ago I was reminded of a devotion I heard over the summer in which the pastor discussed Ephesians 2:10: For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. It is my job to commit to the process, not the results. I am still just a work in progress.
